The Crack Within
by The.Squint
Summary: "She had managed to break into the most guarded part of himself; his mind, just like that of a crack"... Luc finds that he is in an unlikely place and all he can think about, is her. 'Leddie'
1. How this had come to be

**Hello and thank you for choosing to read my Fic – I adore 'Leddie' at the moment and this idea would not leave my mind until I wrote it!**

**This is part one of two and I **_**really**_** hope that you all enjoy it!**

He wasn't sure how this had come to be, as he found himself staring up at his cracked caravan ceiling. He wasn't even lying on his bed, instead he had placed himself, strangely, flat on the hardened floor causing a very deep ache to develop throughout his back and yet he didn't move, instead he continually stared at the crack. He found himself comparing that splintered shape, one that was so dark and distinctive against the white plastic panels to his own life, for he could once describe his life as a plain white panel, with smooth and cold qualities, and yet now a crack had formed, that crack being her.

He hadn't noticed it develop on his ceiling just as he hadn't noticed the way she had managed to worm her way under his skin, to break through and disrupt the smooth and calculated nature of his day to day duties. It was only very recently that he had come to acknowledge just how much of an impact she had made on him, without even a conscious thought on her part he was sure, and yet here he was now, laying almost pathetically on his small floor, forming connections between her and a previously unnoticed crack on his ceiling. That's all it seemed to take nowadays, something as small and seemingly insignificant as a crack to cause his mind to think of her. She was all he ever thought of recently.

She had managed to break into the most guarded part of himself; his mind, just like that of a crack.

He tried to pinpoint that defining moment, the moment that had subsequently led him here. He thought back to the day when he had brought her down to his wet-lab and initiated their first kiss, the minute that had perhaps started it all, like the first domino to fall in amongst a series causing the inevitable tumble. Then maybe the real moment lay in their second kiss and in that same night of passion. He felt his stomach flip just thinking back to the moment when she had gently let her hand rest on the back of his neck reassuringly, causing his whole body to ripple. _Tomorrow _she had said and as he looked up at her, his mind a mess with a mixture and numbers a dates, his body exhausted from his own neglect and his soul racked with guilt, he felt a sense of calm wash over him. He felt he could breathe clearly for the first time since realising the out-break and through all his loss and confusion he knew what it was that he needed, what he'd always needed, was her. Then of course there was the following night, one where he had literally chased her and practically begged her to give him another chance and to his utter delight she had agreed.

He often reminisced about that morning, when he had awoken with her lying with him and they joked lightly about their discomfort and yet ironically he had never felt more comfortable in her presence. How well it had all been going until she gave him that key. Amazing, he found it, that something so small and defined could be so destructive. Then again, he couldn't blame it completely on the key, he knew the gesture was nothing more than for practicality, she wasn't asking for anything more from him and yet it was the final push in a day where he felt the walls were closing in. He had always planned to move on when his contract had ended, though he had anticipated the offer of a permanent contract as so many previous employers had offered him but he had planned to do as he'd always done; politely decline and move on. However, he had never anticipated her and found himself at a loss at what to do.

She had changed everything, in a way that was so sudden he could barely understand how it had happened and even after two months away he was still without clarity. He had been sure that he would stay, that she was worth the risk. He recalled sitting on the edge of a roof with a woman so consumed by her love for her husband that the thought of being without him was enough to push her off the edge "_I can't be without him. Do you have any idea how that feels? You fall in love; it's a long way down" _

He recalled looking over at Eddie then, her face harvesting a worried frown and he found that he oddly sympathised with the suicidal woman beside him, though he did not agree with her present actions he understood her basis for doing them. He let his eyes take in Eddie's form for a few seconds, her petit build and her delicate strands of hair floating amongst the breeze and he asked himself if he could be without her now. Strange though it may be that their relationship, if that what it was, was but a few days old and yet his feelings for her were stronger than anything he'd ever known.

He remembered the first time they had met had been on this very roof where they had agreed that it was the perfect destination for clarity of thought. How right they had been. As he stood before here allowing her to throw words of anger at him for his stupidity at joining the woman on the edge of a multi-story building and for his neglecting to tell her of his expired contract, her voice clearly expressing the genuine amount of hurt she felt, it all became so clear to him and he even wondered what it was that ever worried him. It was clear that she meant more to him than anybody had in a very long time. He felt a smile toy lightly with the sides of his lips as he told her of his plans to accept Hanson's offer, nothing seemed more natural to him then and as he took her face in his hands and placed his lips upon hers. He couldn't ever image leaving her. It was as if he finally understood what it was that she meant to him and that in itself proved her worthiness to him and justified his reasons for staying. Yet once returning to level ground doubt began to creep in once more and the walls surrounding him began to close in. Then, of course, she gave him that key.

If only he'd gone back to the roof instead of to his caravan that afternoon how differently things may have been. Perhaps he would have stayed, having had the time to think more clearly and to breathe more deeply without the pressure of the suffocating hospital walls. He would have been able to think more rationally, rather than making a rash decision that he would soon come to regret. He would have stayed, he knew it, because it was what he wanted more than anything, he wanted _her _more than anything and yet fear had overcome this desire and had taken him from her and brought him here; on his back, looking up at the cracked ceiling, thinking only of her.

It was his fault that he was without her now and he knew that, but could he place all the blame on his own fear, because if this was the case then why hadn't he returned when he had realised he had made a mistake? Was it to protect himself or protect her from him? Hurting someone to protect them, it's not something he understood; he didn't understand much when it came to social interaction and particularly when it came to romance. It wasn't that he didn't know of the concept; he had read many a detailed description throughout the numerous books he had collected and yet it was something he had never expected to experience personally. Was this what he was doing?

He folded his arms and frowned up at the blackened crack in the hope that it would magically provide some desperately needed answers, to finally ease his confused mind and yet after ten full silent minutes of staring at the small shape he had only come to conclude that he missed her, more than he had perhaps missed anyone and how he'd give anything to have her here with him now. Instead all he had was the growing ache in his back and a deeper and much heavier ache in his heart.

He shut his eyes, as if to shield himself from the sight above him, and sighed heavily feeling the weight of it all push down on him. He needed her now, perhaps more than ever.

He was without her now and a spark of fear ignited within him at the idea that he would forever be without her and that this crack above him would be all he would ever have that in some way related to her. He pictured himself spending countless nights on this spot on the floor gazing sadly up at the shape and all because he had let it get to him, been too afraid to stay and instead of taking control he'd ran away.

He tried not to imagine her face when she would find the book he'd left behind, the only thing he'd left behind, not even a letter of explanation. It made him feel sick at how hurt she must have been. That he was the reason.

He would give everything thing he had, regardless of how little, to take it back and to have her with him now.

He needed to see her.

His eyes sprung open and looked onto the steering wheel and instantly he knew his next destination.

**I really hoped that you all enjoyed that and I would love to know what you thought, if you'd be so kind to leave a review I would really appreciate it. Thank you again! **

**Look out for part two, posting next week!**


	2. How she came to find him

**Hello and thank you for your patience on this Chapter – Work just got on top of me but I really hope you think it is worth the wait...**

**I know I said that this would be a two-part Fic, but whilst writing this chapter it didn't seem to end naturally and so I've decided to expand this story over three chapters – I hope you guys will stick with me for another chapter!**

**I really hope you enjoy it and that it fills the Luc shaped hole we 'Leddie' shippers are feeling right now!**

He could hear the crunch of gravel beneath the weight of the tyres as he pulled back into the grounds of Holby City. He had been driving for hours causing his eyes to become heavy with fatigue and his mind now felt as if it had developed splinters making each thought painful. Darkness had overtaken the sun and yet he could clearly see the vacant area surrounded by bushes where he had once lived for several months. It felt surreal as he killed the engine, he had returned, something he had never done.

He shot a look at his watch and found it to be nearing midnight. He couldn't face her now, she would certainly shout and perhaps throws a punch or two and his fragile head couldn't cope with that right now. He quickly made a decision to sleep now and return to AAU in the morning in the hope that she would be on duty and willing to speak to him. Then a thought occurred to him; _what if she had also left? _ He felt his stomach contact, pushing the thought aside and yet the feeling of unease stayed with him.

He quickly striped down to his boxers and built his bed. With his hand hovering over the light switch he looked up again at the crack and instead of overwhelming feeling of regret and sadness he felt nerves. He would be with her again in a matter of hours and he knew that she would have plenty to say to him, if she was willing to see him at all. Then there was the matter of forgiving him, he didn't expect her too as he knew that he didn't deserve it but he also knew that there was something powerful between them, something that had once scared him and now he hoped to use in his favour, hoping that she couldn't resist him for too long.

After taking in the crack's unique shape for the final time he shut off the lights and dragged his tired mind and body onto the single mattress. He always thought of her as he lay here, of how they had laid together and fitted so perfectly, of how she smelt and wished that upon entering the dream state the image of her would be there waiting for him to fill his dreams with fictional joy.

His body jumped having awoken abruptly to the sound of violent knocking. He rubbed his eyes and tried to focus and found that darkness surrounded him still and he knew that he couldn't have been asleep for more than three hours. He lay still, holding his breath, silence filled the air and he wondered if he had been mistaken, had it been his mind playing mischievously with him? Then it came again, a fist battering at his door and he was sure; she was outside.

He practically fell from his bed and quickly pulled on his earlier discarded jeans. He fumbled with the door handle which upon opening allowed his eyes to fall upon her iconic black leather jacket, but before he could take in anymore he was met with an open palm striking him across the face causing a loud crack to pierce through the silence. The force of the slap had pushed his face to his shoulder and he begun to feel a hot prickly sensation spread across his cheek. He had both expected and deserved this and yet it wasn't the slap that hurt him greatest, but knowing that he was the reason for her pain, a pain so strong words couldn't express.

He slowly brought his head back and met her eyes for the first time in just over two months and saw them glistening with tears. He wanted to take her in him arms, to see her so obviously hurting was almost too much to bear. He had thought that the pain he felt to only _think_ of her disappointment at his spontaneous departure was bad enough and yet now as he was faced with it, with what he had done, he felt almost as if a lion were tearing away at his inners and chewing at his heart like a small animal's toy.

He wanted to say something, anything that would take away her pain and yet he could think of nothing, was there anything he _could_ say? After a few seconds of silence she viciously pulled something from her pocket and before he could identify the object she had thrown it at his face.

"That belongs to you" she practically spat the words at him.

He looked to the floor where it had fallen; it was his employee ID card. The one he had left in amongst a series of paperwork on the day he had deserted her and of all the people on the ward, all the doctors, nurses and porters, she had been the one to find it. His eyes fixed on the tiny laminated card, why did _she_ have to find it? Guilt punched its way through his system practically winding him and as he ripped his eyes from the tiny photo of himself before him and saw that she had turned her back to him and was storming away into the distance.

He couldn't leave it like that.

Instinctively he followed her, the cool air whipped as his skin and sharp stones stabbed at his feet and yet he did not notice nor care, his only thought was her.

"Wait. Eddie! Please"

She did stop, to his surprise. However, as she turned to face him she began ascending on him with an intense anger burning behind her eyes. He stopped chasing her and braced himself for whatever she was to inflict upon him. When she was only a few feet from him she raised her hand in the air, but this time into a closed fist and threw it at his shoulder causing him to stumble backwards. For someone so small, she could certainly throw a punch.

He steadied himself and saw that she was trembling with rage, her hair pressed against her face and through the darkness surrounding them disguising most of her features he could still see the anger behind her eyes and could hear her rapid breathing.

"What are you doing here Luc?"

He found himself speaking before he had even thought through the words "There is a crack on my ceiling. It reminds me of you" from the reaction on her face, he knew that perhaps he should have taken the time to create a more reasonable response.

She glared coldly at him "There is something seriously wrong with you"

With a final disgusted look she turned her back once more and strode away from him.

They were here once again, in the Holby city car park shrouded by the night, as she paced ahead while he chased her with an air of desperation just hoping that she would stop and listen. It had been easier last time; he had only needed to kiss her as he often did when she would begin ranting at him and yet now he was at a loss of what to do, he only knew that he couldn't let her go, not again.

"Eddi, please let me just explain" he was a few paced behind her, practically jogging in an attempt to keep up.

"No need, I understand. The idea of a full time contact, of being committed to this place, to me, was too much for you. I get it Luc, I'm the all knowing goddess remember?" her voice sounded unlike her own, its tone mocking and spiteful.

"That's not it, please Eddi just stop"

"Then what is it Luc?" she stopped abruptly once more and turned to face him "Why did you leave without as much as a goodbye? Did you not think that I deserved even that?"

"Because that's what I do. I leave. It's what I've always done. This time though I thought I could do it, that I would stay, but when you gave me that extra key to your apartment, I don't know I just –"

"Wait, are you trying to blame this on me?"

"No, of course not. I told you that I don't know how to do this sort of thing and when you gave me that key, I don't know, I just panicked and made a bad choice, a choice I have regretted every day since" for once she remained silent and only stared at him. The anger in her eyes had dampened and was replaced with something much softer. He added "I never should have left you". These words hung in the air, floating between then, there was something so true in this tone that not even she could resist it.

She spoke with a more caution tone this time, the anger gone from her voice allowing the true depth of her pain to shine through "you didn't even call me, not even a text. To me, that sends a pretty clear message"

"I tried. I... I just couldn't" he _had_ tried, he could recall numerous nights sitting with that old mobile of his staring at her number, just trying to find the courage needed to make the connection, but to him it just seemed so impersonal, almost insultingly so, that he thought it better to make no contact at all. Then again, looking back now he could see that this was just his way of justifying what he was doing, he should have called her if only to apologise but he was too much of a coward.

"Well thank you for all your effort" her voice dripping with sarcasm, clearly she did not think his response to be a suitable one.

"I'm sorry" this was all he had ever wanted to say to her since the day he left, a word used too often he believed in today's society and yet in this moment he meant it in its most serious and poignant context. A word so simple, he would be foolish to think that it would represent all that he felt, the regret, the guilt, the sadness at leaving her and yet this was all he really could say, and yet it still was not enough.

She laughed mockingly at him "sorry? You think that will cut it. That one _magic_ word and all is forgiven?"

"I don't expect you to forgive me" the distance between them was beginning to get to him now. He was used to holding her close, feeling the smoothness of her skin against him and yet now, only a mere meter from each other and yet to him she seemed further from him then she ever had.

"Well if you don't want my forgiveness and if you don't want _me_ then why are you here Luc?" her voice laced with the first threads of desperation.

"Of course I want you, I always will, but I just know that I don't deserve you" he noticed then that her hands had created fists and he felt himself tense.

"What is wrong with you? You are the one who kissed me first Luc, you started all of this and then you disappeared for two weeks. You come back acting like nothing had happened and then you _chase_ me and make me feel these feelings for you and then you leave again, only instead of weeks you go for months. You left me for two _months_ without any explanation of where you went or why. Now, because you've come back and told me that you're 'sorry' you think that I'll just fall back into your arms, well you can –"

He could no longer stand the distance and so without any thought for the dire consequence his actions could produce he closed that gap between them by taking her still ranting face in his hands and pushing his lips to hers. Her lips were unprepared for this romantic assault but he felt them soften around his and delicately respond.

Suddenly nothing else mattered, the distance that he once felt between them melted away to nothing and he knew that she was the only thing left for him; he hadn't come back for any other reason. Her lips gently moulded to his and he allowed his thumb to lightly caress her cheek, her skin so soft. He felt the pain of being without her rise to the surface like an explosion within his heart and as he held her face in his hands and with his lips on hers he wished for this moment never to end as in this moment she was his once more and he could lose all the pain he had been carrying whilst being without her. She had cured him.

Just as he allowed himself to believe that this was the moment in which he had won her back, as if startled, she pushed roughly away from him and suddenly it was over just as quickly as it had begun. She took a few dazed steps backwards and he reached out instinctively unwilling to let her go as he had done before and gently took hold of her hand. He didn't know if this action had made the situation worse but he all he wanted was to be close to her once more, to make her laugh and feel her skin upon his. All he wanted was her.

His heart still pumping widely for the aftermath of her kiss, he inhaled deeply in an attempt to calm the fire that raged within him. He needed to speak, to absolve the situation and yet he could think of no words to say, he could only stare into her eyes, searching deep into them in an attempt to see something that could indicate how she was feeling and yet he could see nothing.

She pulled her hand from his grasp without a word and slowly began to walk away from him. He picked up pace behind her, ready for round two, and yet without stopping or even turning to meet his gaze she spoke back to him "do not follow me. Just leave me alone Luc"

With those words he stopped and stood watching her walk into the distance until she was engulfed by the darkness and he was without her once more.

**There you have it! I promise only one more chapter to go and I will try not to leave you guys waiting as long this time! Thank you so much for reading and I'd love any reviews you would care to leave!**


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